Kurt Cobain died 17 years ago today
April 5, 1994. The day Kurt Cobain shot and killed himself. Like many millions of people, I was a huge fan of Nirvana and especially fixated on Cobain. How he managed to emerge from his troubled childhood into a “spokesman for Generation X,” as some in the media dubbed him — much to Cobain’s regret — is a remarkable tale, albeit one ending in tragedy. Like Brian Jones, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison before him, another rock musician who died far too young at the age of 27.
Nirvana’s smash album Nevermind, featuring the #1 hit “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” was released 20 years ago in 1991. It was one of those albums, something that comes along every now and then that completely turns the music scene on its head.
I remember being at a party in L.A. in ’91 or ’92 and meeting someone who worked as part of Nirvana’s management team at Gold Mountain. When I heard that, I immediately reverted to gawking adolescent, blabbering on and on about how much I dug the band, listening to the album over and over again. My foolish behavior must have made an impression because the next day a courier delivered a shipping tube. In it were two posters: The famous Nevermind album cover:
And a 3 x 4 foot poster I’ve never seen before or since: All three members of Nirvana… autographed. That’s right, Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic (he signed it as “Karl Malden”), and Kurt Cobain. I have it framed. It’s perhaps my most prized possession.
Why did Cobain commit suicide? You can go here to read his actual handwritten final note. I’ve studied his words a lot. There’s this line:
I haven’t felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things.
Clearly he wasn’t enjoying the music as he thought he should have. But it’s this line that always gets me:
There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don’t you just enjoy it? I don’t know!
That hits me. Hard. In my family, I’m known as the one who “feels” things, the one with “big” emotions. I’m convinced that’s one of the major reasons I have always done some form of writing — from songs starting when I was 14 to short stories to scripts. It’s a way to process the feelings, put them into words, create characters to experience those emotions. Stories provide a way to contextualize one’s feelings.
For Cobain, much of his personal pain seems to have been tied to his parents’ divorce when he was a child. From Cobain’s Wikipedia page:
When Kurt was eight years old, his parents divorced. Later in his life, he said the divorce had a profound effect on his life. His mother noted that his personality changed dramatically; Cobain became defiant and withdrawn. In a 1993 interview, he elaborated:
“I remember feeling ashamed, for some reason. I was ashamed of my parents. I couldn’t face some of my friends at school anymore, because I desperately wanted to have the classic, you know, typical family. Mother, father. I wanted that security, so I resented my parents for quite a few years because of that.”
Life can be overwhelming. Depression is a powerful reality. But at the end of the day, this is a fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, seek help. To start, you can go here.
In memory of Kurt Cobain, one of the most gifted creative types in the last quarter-centry. Thanks for your songs:
From FlavorWire: 44 things you didn’t know about Kurt Cobain
The Rolling Stone 1994 article about Cobain’s death.
MTV tribute to Cobain.
Spin magazine remembers Kurt.
Dan Bern’s song “God Said No”
I met God On the edge of town
Where the wind meets the stillness
Where the darkness meets the light
Where the ocean meets the sky
Where the desert meets the rain
Where the earth meets the heavens
On the edge of town I met God
I asked God
Do one thing for me
Send me back in time
Send me to Seattle
Let me go
Find Kurt Cobain
Take away his gun
Take away his bullets
Talk to him
Make him wanna live
Tell him how we love him
Help him see his glory
God Said No
If I sent you back
If you really found him
You would only ask him
If he could
Help you get a deal
If he knows a lawyer
If he can help you
God Said No
I asked God
Do one thing for me
Send me back in time
Send me to Berlin
Let me find
The one they call Hitler
I will stalk him
I will bring him down
I will bring along
A powerful gun
Loaded with bullets
Obliterate his memory
God Said No
If I sent you back
You would get caught up
In theory and discussion
You would let your fears
Delay and distract you
You would make friends
You would take a lover
God Said No
I asked God
Do one thing for me
Send me back in time
Send me to Jerusalem
Let me go
Let me go find Jesus
Let me save his life
As they try to kill him
Let me take him down
Down from the cross
Take the iron from his body
Try to heal his wounds
God Said No
If I let you go
If you really found him
Walking with the cross
You would stare
Your tongue no longer working
Eyes no longer seeing
Ears no longer hearing
God said Time
Time belongs to me
Time’s my secret weapon
My final advantage
God turned away
From the edge of town
I knew I was beaten
And that now was all I had
God Said No
Godspeed, Kurt Cobain.