“The Hobbit”: A trilogy?

October 23rd, 2012 by

In response to this post, GITS reader Walt has figured out how Peter Jackson will stretch out “The Hobbit” in to three movies:

10. Smaug polishes all the gold in his cave–twice.

9. Multiple scenes of Gollum playing checkers with himself.

8. Bilbo takes 1,137 baths throughout the series.

7. Sauron turns his castle upside down looking for the Ring while his wife leafs through a magazine and mumbles, “Where’s the last place you had it?”

6. A montage of Bilbo training for the Quest as “The Eye of the Tiger” is played on a lute.

5. The dwarves get drunk and try to pick up 6-ft. tall Dunedain women, get repeatedly shot down.

4. Gandalf argues with a half-orc dry cleaner over a spot on his cloak, and launches into an incoherent 10-minute anti-orc racist diatribe. Has to settle for store credit.

3. 10-minute montage of dwarves tightening utility belts and headbands in close-up.

2. They have to enter and win “Middle-earth’s Got Talent” in order to raise enough money for the quest.

1. The grass outside Bilbo’s house grows in real time.

Works for me! How about you? “The Lord of the Rings” was 1,400 pages long. “The Hobbit” [original edition] was 300+ pages. How would you fill the screen time to allow Warner Bros. to take three bites of the consumer apple?

7 thoughts on ““The Hobbit”: A trilogy?

  1. The second film would be called The Hobbit: My Dinner with Gandalf. In which Bilbo Baggins and Gandalf discuss a variety of topics ranging from the best way of wrestling a dwarf to the correct pronunciation of Lothlórien, over the course of two hours shot in one long take.

    1. Walt says:

      Brilliant! A two-hour long dinner is a mission Bilbo would definitely support.

    2. Scott says:

      Great one, Teddy. With Wallace Shawn as Bilbo and Andre Gregory as Gandalf.

      1. Perfect casting. I believe Wallace Shawn is part hobbit.

  2. Adem H. says:

    6,3: Montages are shortcuts, no?

    My solutions:
    -No montages. Show everything.
    -Musical numbers (just like the book, but with dance choreography).
    -Describe every meal in detail (like the book).
    -Extensive use of Arial and/or 3D-pandering establishing shots.
    -1st Movie is just a Silmarillion history lesson.
    -3rd Movie is just a series of false endings.

  3. Walt says:

    Oh please, oh please, can movies 1 and 2 be Silmarillion history lessons? Please?

  4. This is simple. We all know that they shot it at 48fps. When they edited it together they accidentally played it at 24fps and it took 8 hours so they chopped it into three. They should have played it back at its native 48 frames per second and then it would have been a manageable 4 hours and fill up two movies.

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