Daily Dialogue — April 1, 2016

INT: GRU’S LAIR — CONTINUOUS

The girls look around, taking in the scary looking interior. Images of demons and Gothic evil are everywhere. Agnes turns to Gru, nervous.

AGNES: Can I hold your hand?
GRU: Ahhh no.

They go deeper into the lair. Edith pulls Margo aside.

EDITH: When we got adopted by a bald guy, I thought this’d be more like Annie.

Just then Kyle comes around the corner, his eyes lighting up as he sees the girls. He licks his chops and is about to chomp down on Agnes with a slobbery mouth full of teeth when Gru stops him with a rolled-up newspaper.

GRU: No hey…!

Gru jumps behind the girls.

GRU: Kyle. These are not treats. These are guests. (to the girls) Girls, this is Kyle, my…dog.

AGNES: Oooh, fluffy doggie!

Kyle runs off scared.

AGNES: Aww.

Margo turns to Gru, accusingly.

MARGO: What kind of dog is that?
GRU: He’s ahhh…I don’t know.
MARGO: Do you really think this is an appropriate place for little kids? Cause, uh, its not.

Gru shrugs, surrounded by all the inappropriate things in his house. He turns and sees a curious Edith checking out an open IRON MAIDEN.

GRU: No, no! Stay away from there! It’s fragile!

SNAP! The spiked door snaps shut with her inside. RED LIQUID starts spilling out onto the floor. Gru stares at it. Margo and Agnes GASP.

GRU: Well, I suppose the plan will work with two.
EDITH (O.S.) Hey! It’s dark in here!

Gru opens up the iron maiden, revealing Edith standing there completely unharmed. So small she fit between the spikes. She holds up something.

EDITH: It poked a hole in my juice box.

Red punch drips out of the juice box. Edith SPITS out the straw.

INT: KITCHEN — DAY

Gru stands in front of the girls.

GRU: As you can see, I have provided everything a child might need.

Gru points to a DOG DISH FILLED WITH CANDY, a DOG DISH FILLED WITH WATER and NEWSPAPERS spread out on the floor. The girls stare.

GRU: All right. Ah…okay. As I was saying — hey! Aww!

Edith has smashed a vase of toxic chemicals, which is now sizzling on the tile floor.

EDITH: Somebody broke that.
GRU: Okay, okay, clearly we need to set some rules. Rule number one: You will not touch anything.
MARGO: Uh huh. What about the floor?
GRU: (irritated) Yes, you may touch the floor.
MARGO: What about the air?
GRU: (more irritated) Yes, you may touch the air.
EDITH: What about this?

Edith holds a dangerous looking RAY GUN.

GRU: Ahhhhh! Where did you get that?

Gru shields himself with a frying pan.

EDITH: (shrugs) Found it.

Gru grabs the gun from her, then continues.

GRU: Okay, rule number two: you will not bother me while I’m working. Rule number three: you will not cry or whine or laugh or giggle or sneeze or burp or fart. So no, no, no annoying sounds. Alright?

AGNES: Does this count as annoying?

Agnes opens her mouth and drums on her cheeks.

GRU: Very.

— Despicable Me (2010), screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio, story by Sergio Pablos

The Daily Dialogue theme for the week: Parental advice, suggested by Michael Waters. Today’s suggestion by Will King.

Trivia: The directors actually wrote a language for the gibberish the minions speak throughout the film. They called it “minion-ese”. Each word the minions speak in the film translates into an actual word.

Dialogue On Dialogue: Commentary by Will King: “Parental advice isn’t always meant to improve the child’s life. In this case, evil villain Gru adopted three daughters for the purpose of using them against his nemesis Vector to enable him to steal a shrink ray gun. The children are simply a means to an end, and Gru’s advice, and his manner of caring for them, shows this.”