Daily Dialogue — December 7, 2015
Scott: Hey, Barabbas.
Bernard: Bernard!
Scott: Bernard. Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?
Bernard: Uh, Larry, take Charlie here and get him some chow.
Scott: No, Larry, don’t do that. Charlie!
Bernard: He’ll be okay. Follow me. You’ll want to get out of those clothes.
Scott: I– Uh– No, look, Barnaby, I just wanna go home. Look, I am not Santa Claus! Ahh!
Bernard: Did you or did you not read the card?
Scott: Yeah, I read the card.
Bernard: Then you’re the new Santa. In putting on the hat and jacket you accepted the contract.
Scott: What contract?
Bernard: The card in the Santa suit. You said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject to the Santa Clause. Here. — The Santa Claus?
Scott: Oh, you mean the guy that fell off my roof?
Bernard: No, no, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause, the clause.
Scott: What?
Bernard: Look, you’re– you’re a businessman, right?
Scott: Yeah.
Bernard: Okay. A clause, as in the last line of a contract. You got the card?
Scott: Oh!
Bernard: Okay, look. The Santa Clause: “ln putting on this suit and entering the sleigh the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied,and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus in perpetuity until such time that wearer becomes unable to do so by either accident or design.”
Scott: What does that mean?
Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you’re the big guy.
Scott: That’s ridiculous. I didn’t put on the suit just to —
Bernard: — Try to understand this!
Scott: Oo-oo-ooh!
Bernard: Let me explain something to you, okay? Toys have to be delivered. I’m not gonna do it. It’s not my job. I’m just an elf. It’s Santa’s job, but Santa fell off a roof, your roof. You read the card, you put on the suit. That clearly falls under the Santa Clause.- So now you’re Santa, okay?
Scott: — A question.
Bernard: What?
Scott: When can I get outta here?
Charlie: Dad, you gotta see this place.
Bernard: You leave tomorrow morning. You have 11 months to get your affairs in order, and you’re due back here Thanksgiving.
Scott: I’m not comin’ back here on Thanksgiving.
Bernard: I’ll ship the list to your house.
Scott: What list?
Bernard: Come on, now. The list. He’s makin’ a list
Charlie: Checkin’ it twice
Elves: Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice
Bernard: Look, you put a “P” next to the kids who are nice and a “C” next to the naughty ones.
Scott: “P” and “C”?
Bernard: Yeah.
Charlie: “P” for present, “C” for coal, right, Bernard?
Bernard: Right.
Scott: Wait a minute. How do I know who’s good and bad?
Bernard: You’ll know.
Scott: What if I don’t want to do this?
Bernard: Don’t even kid about a thing like that.
Scott: Why not? What if I don’t buy into this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?
Bernard: Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You wouldn’t want to be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now, would you, Santa? Judy will take you to your room. Get out of the suit. It needs to be cleaned.
Scott: And taken in.
Bernard: Then get some sleep.
— The Santa Clause (1994), written by Leo Benvenuti, Steve Rudnick
The Daily Dialogue theme for the week: Misunderstanding. Today’s suggestion by Lois Bernard.
Trivia: The role of Scott Calvin/Santa Claus was written with Bill Murray in mind.
Dialogue On Dialogue: Commentary by Lois: “So ’tis the season…ho ho ho…the best part of this scene I think is when Scott says, ‘What if I don’t buy into this Santa Claus thing?’ Dead silence.”