How To Write A Screenwriting Book

John August (@JohnAugust) tweeted a link to a blog post by Anthony Giambusso who wrote this nice piece of satire: How to Write a Screenwriting Book. I contacted Anthony and he agreed to allow me to feature it here.

Do you have the dream of writing a successful screenwriting book, mixing it up with the pro screenwriting book authors, and seeing your book on all the “Film & Film Production” shelves at the bookstore? Well I’ve compiled an easy to follow step-by-step guide to make that dream a reality. I’ve decided to tear the veil off of the screenwriting book industry and rack that picture into focus.

• When writing about your credentials, be vague, yet amplified. Instead of saying you have worked with producers in Hollywood, say ‘top’ producers. Instead of saying you’ve worked for a studio, try ‘major’ studio. You may even try switching it up and writing ‘major producer’ and ‘top studio’. Your creativity will be rewarded.
• Include a minimum of twenty pages of your own work that has not been produced, and use that as your template to teach screenwriting.
• Choose at least three iconic movies (ex. Jaws, Chinatown, Vertigo) and make a list of decisions made in those stories. Then, make a list called ‘dos’. (Try throwing in a modern movie like “Birdman”).
• Do the opposite of the previous step, and make a list of things from terrible movies, and call that list ‘don’ts’. Don’t spend too much time on this step. Just write down anything you can remember from the terrible movies.
• For example: “Everyone in ‘terrible movie’ wore hats. The top of the human head is one of the most expressive parts of the body. Try to limit your screenplay to a maximum of three hats.”
• Make bold statements. Here are some for inspiration.
• “Your movie MUST be about ONE thing” (Notice how I put ‘must’ and ‘one’ in caps so the reader can’t deny it).
• Characters must represent something deeply passionate to you, or they will NEVER seem authentic” (I just made that up, but it sounds legitimate right?).
• Throw around the word ‘subtext’ but never truly explain it. Say things like “Jaws is the the physical manifestation of Brody’s deepest insecurities.”
• Create a ‘steps’ system. Call it something catchy.
• “The 7 Undeniable Steps to a Sellable Story”
• “14 Steps to get your reader to sprint from Fade In to Fade Out”.
• (The more random the number, the more it seems legitimate). “89 Steps to EVERY successful Screenplay” (again, note the caps).
• Be specific! People love specifics. They love bullet points. Give them a list of technical ‘yeses’ and ‘nos’ that they can hold while writing or rewriting. Some examples below (but create your own!)
• (Character names) Characters named John are fine, but change the spelling to something new like ‘Jaun’ ‘Jawn’ or ‘Dgon’.”
• (Fancy grammar terms) NO subordinating conjunctions! (You don’t have to know what it means).
• (Get em’ counting) Limit one capitalized word per page, and a maximum of fifty per screenplay.
• (Random no nos) Never set a scene in mud. Directors hate shooting scenes in mud. They will be less likely to attach themselves to your script.
• Write a list of successful writer’s anecdotes on writing. You can simply Google these.
• “The most ordinary word, when put into place, suddenly acquires brilliance. That is the brilliance with which your images must shine.” — Robert Bresson (See! It’s almost as if you wrote it).

A lot of things have changed since I broke in as a screenwriter in 1987. One of the most prominent is the sheer volume of screenwriting books. The awareness of screenwriting among the general population has risen rather spectacularly the last few decades and that has attracted a lot of people looking to feed off that teat. Hence screenwriting books.

What Anthony gets at with this post are some key commonalities between many if not most of them:

* They are pretty much structured the same way.

* They are basically variations on the same themes and yet —

* They make claims about the particular insight only they have about the craft.

* And the not so subtle subtext: If you want to have any chance of succeeding, buy their book.

Are any of the books good? Maybe some, but my guess is scant few. I do know this: A vast majority of the actual pro screenwriters I know have a negative attitude toward screenwriting books ranging from antipathy to outright hatred.

My oft-stated advice: Watch movies. Read scripts. Write pages. Learn from interviews with actual working screenwriters. And feed your intellect and soul by consuming books, music, and culture.

The fact is if you are passionate, persistent, and patient, you can learn the craft… and not spend one dime on screenwriting books.

For the rest of Anthony’s satirical piece, go here.

To learn more about Anthony, go here.

Twitter: @TonyGiambooyah.

HT to John August for the link.