“Studio Notes on the 2016 Presidential-Election Screenplay”

From the latest New Yorker, a fun piece by Tom O’Donnell:

Over all, we LOVE what you’ve done. (So many unexpected twists!) However, we feel like we’re not quite there yet. Excited to see you incorporate these notes into the next draft!!

1 — Hmm. Does Donald have to be orange? Not sure how that would read visually. Seems like it would be sort of grotesque? He’s such a big character that we’re worried it’s just too much. What if he had a regular human skin tone and just owned up to being bald? (I can’t even imagine what “a conch-shaped hair-hat the texture of corn silk” might look like, but it’s certainly going to eat into our effects budget.) Also, please cut the word “rapists” from his opening line!

2 — Wait, wait, wait: Why does everyone ALREADY hate Hillary? Need some sort of explanation here. Like, what if she used to be a hit man or she’s an avowed satanist or something? The flashback where we learn that she was “really sneaky about e-mails” years earlier doesn’t cut it.

3 — Please change “I like people that weren’t captured” to “This man is a hero.” Or just cut the line.

6 — O.K., are we supposed to be rooting for Jeb? All the early emphasis on Jeb is distracting. Maybe get rid of this character altogether.

12 — Minor note: If Ben is the world’s best brain surgeon, why is he written like Pauly Shore with carbon-monoxide poisoning? Is this “anti-comedy”? Most people aren’t going to get it.

19 — On the other hand, the old guy, Bernie, is SO MUCH FUN. (Maybe he’s our R2-D2??? I’m imagining plush toys!) But he needs a pithier catchphrase than “The billionaire class has mortgaged your future to Wall Street.”

20 — “Blood coming out of her wherever” is going to get us an NC-17 rating. Please cut.

21 — The Bernie supporters are reading a little broad. Also, we’re never going to be able to get Susan Sarandon for this.

24 — “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters, O.K.?” is too on the nose. This should be subtext.

28 — I kind of feel like the smart choice would be for them to pick Marco, no? You need to make us understand why nobody wants Marco.

41 — Oof. I had to go all the way back to the beginning here, because I didn’t remember who Kasich was. Is there any way Kasich could be more . . . something?

Very much in the vain of one of my tweets:

For the rest of the New Yorker article, go here.