Elaine May interviews Ethan Coen and Woody Allen

In last Sunday’s NYT, there was this fun article in which three talents, each of them writers, did an interview, Elaine May posing questions for Ethan Coen and Woody Allen. Some really funny excerpts below the jump:

The producers of “Relatively Speaking” (which opens at the Brooks Atkinson on Oct. 20) have asked me to conduct an in-depth interview with Ethan Coen and Woody Allen, with whom it turns out I have written three one-act plays. I have done this by submitting questions to both men who will presumably answer them in depth. I’ve interviewed Woody Allen before but I have only recently met Ethan Coen and we have never spoken although our silence is friendly. My challenge will be to ask the probing questions that will reveal the deeper, more complex nature of both men in a way that will not hurt ticket sales.

Q. A miraculous being with divine powers appears to you and says, “You have a choice. You can be fabulously attractive and have an even better physique or you can reverse climate change.” What do you say to her?

ETHAN COEN Those are my choices?

WOODY ALLEN The question becomes moot since I am already more than sufficiently attractive. Of course the actual impact of my physique might not be apparent to the naked eye at first glance, but with some laser surgery or perhaps corneal transplants the viewer will be amply rewarded. The real question is, who is this miraculous being with the divine powers who has suddenly appeared and what is she wearing? If it’s six-inch heels and a thong the best idea would be to take her to a hotel room and see just how many other-worldly tricks she is capable of performing. As for climate change, all the good hotel rooms are air-conditioned.

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Q. Although we are all three comedy writers we are not the same. Ethan is dark-skinned and elusive, Woody is fair and seems both serene and alarmed, I am muscular and have breasts. Do you think these differences are reflected in our plays? If so, in what way?

COEN I cannot speak to the physiology. I know that my one-act, the first of the evening, forces the audience to confront serious questions — notably, “How long until Woody’s one-act starts?” I don’t feel them asking this as much during yours, Elaine, possibly because yours is second and by process of elimination they know Woody’s is imminent. Frankly I had not anticipated that I’d have to compete for the distinction of who-can-write-the-bleakest-comedy, expecting to win in a walk, but you not only compete, Elaine; I am not sure but that you might not have won. This could be why you, like me, have been lobbying the producers to quit billing the evening as “Three One-Act Comedies” and start billing it as “Two One-Acts that Elicit Dark Titters, Plus a Comedy,” which they have been resisting and not because of the size of the marquee. Truth in advertising — and truth in the theater — are principles more often trumpeted than honored, and the producers’ reasoning may be that if we have travestied the one they are not bound by the other. Or maybe it is the size of the marquee. I must say, I like “Dark Titters” as a title for the evening — or does it sound like the name of a private eye?

ALLEN I didn’t realize Ethan was the dark-skinned elusive one. I thought Elaine was elusive and Ethan was the one with breasts. I am confused. Still, I agree my play is indeed serene and alarmed and that’s probably what accounts for the apparent epidemic of narcolepsy amongst the audience.

Also a nice feature in Vanity Fair featuring the three writers.

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