The Business of Screenwriting: “It’s either gonna happen, or it ain’t gonna happen”

Today we have a guest post from Hollywood producer Max Millimeter who said he had a few thoughts he wanted to share about “The Quest” and the movie business in general. As usual this is a transcription of a recording Max made up at his Laurel Canyon home:

Awright, I’ve been kinda watching from the sidelines as you people sent in your loglines for this “Quest” thing. Then waited around for the Desk Jockey to wade through ’em all. And then, I saw what he did when he announced the first round keepers, for the rest of you how he acted pastorly and all, trying to let you down easy, show you the bright side, inspire you, and so forth. Hey, the Kid went to Yale Divinity School, he comes by it honest, okay?

Well see, I got a slightly different take on how to, ya’ know, inspire people, so if I may take this august opportunity, I’d like to impart some Hollywood wisdom on you. Ready?

[clears throat]

It’s either gonna fucking happen, or it ain’t gonna fucking happen!

That right there is the God’s honest truth about living and working in show biz. It doesn’t matter if you’re the Rolex-wearing, Mercedes-driving, penthouse-partying president of a movie studio sweating out the Friday opening of a two hundred million dollar movie or you’re a pasty-faced, first-time, son-of-a-putz screenwriter pacing in your cockroach infested studio apartment waiting for Ed McMahon to rise up from the dead, ding your doorbell, and announce, “Congratulations, Buck-o. You just sold a spec script!”

It’s either gonna happen, or it ain’t gonna happen.

That two hundred million dollar movie is either gonna be a hit or a flop.

You’re either gonna sell that script or you’re not.

But here’s the deal: It doesn’t matter. Hit or flop, in or out, up or down, you wake up the next morning, and you do what you always do. Get your ass to work!

You get better. You push harder. You fight tougher.

Hey, screenwriter wannabes. You’re used to writing, what, one, two hours a day? Well, guess what. You sell that script, now you write four hours a day. You don’t sell it, you work five.

Yeah, I know you’re holding down a job, you got the wife, the kids, when can you find time to write yada yada.

Guess what? Hollywood doesn’t give a flying fakakta about any of that! They only care about one thing: What can you do for them. And here’s the deal. There are thousands of writers who are trolling the streets from Culver City to Universal City right now, willing to do whatever plus whatever times two to get Mr. Rolex to cut them a big fat check to write “I Sunk Your Battleship 2”.

Which is why I say, it’s either gonna happen, or it ain’t gonna happen.

You’re either gonna write a great script, or you ain’t gonna write a great script. You either gonna become Hollywood’s flavor-of-the-week screenwriter, or you ain’t. It’s that simple.

Now I can hear you out there. You’re whining, “But Max, I can’t control that. Mr. Rolex, he’s the one who decides if I get a gig or what-not.”

To which I humbly reply: My friend, you are two Bradys short of a bunch!

Look, there’s three things that go into being a successful screenwriter, okay? First there’s your Daddy. Next there’s your Mommy. ‘Coz when Daddy slipped Tab A into Mommy’s Slot B, and that squiggly sperm hit that egg… wham! They either gave you the talent DNA or they didn’t.

Now let’s assume they did. What’s the third thing? It ain’t Mr. Rolex. It’s you! Plain and simple. Why? ‘Coz you can’t control the Mr. Rolexes of the world, they are some crazy-ass mofos. Control them? Hell, they can’t even control themselves! And I got a scar that can prove it. But that’s another story.

Nah, the only person who can control anything is you. And how do you do that?

You work your ass off. Work it off! All the way off!

You sell a script? Mr. Ass-Off! You don’t sell a script? Mrs. Ass-Off!

The work is the work is the work. And your work is doing every goddammed thing you can to make yourself into the kind of writer even crazy mofo Mr. Rolex has gotta say, “Gimme Ass-Off for this project!”

This “Quest” thing? This time, next time, whenever, it’s either gonna happen for you, or it ain’t gonna happen.

Bottom line, you can be a Whiny Puke. Or you can be an Ass-Off.

That choice? You control.

The Business of Screenwriting is a weekly series of GITS posts about living life as a screenwriter in Hollywood. Max Millimeter is a veteran filmmaker and known around town as “Hollywood Movie Producer Extraordinaire.” Today’s Max Fact: He claims you can ask him any stage name of any major Hollywood actor, and he knows their real name. “Alan Alda? Alphonso D’Abruzzo. Georger Burns? Nathan Birnbaum. Walter Matthau? Walter Matuschanskayasky. C’mon, gimme a tough one, why dontcha?”

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