“The Hollywood Roaster”
Back in October, 2008, I wrote this post about a brand new satirical website called The Hollywood Roaster. I checked it out again recently and, man, Mr. Roaster is churning out some funny stuff. Some recent posts:
“Veteran writer replaced by that chick the studio exec bangs on Tuesdays”
‘She’s great in a room’
Sheila the receptionist is finally getting her shot to write a feature film, thanks in no small part to the fact she lets Paramount exec Ronny Halperin “have his way with her” every Tuesday afternoon in her Santa Monica studio apartment.
“I’ve always loved Hollywood!” exclaimed Sheila Madison, 22, a high school graduate. “So I told Ronny, I said ‘hey Ronny, can I write that new movie about the crime guys and stuff?’”
“Script Track — August 18, 2009”
Axe Body Sprayers
Based on the popular deodorant. Plot being kept under wraps until the screenwriters are told exactly what to write by the producers and ad agency.
Prostate of the Union
The President is forced to leave the State of the Union halfway through because he has to pee, bringing a critical question into focus: just how healthy should we expect our leaders to be?
Writer: David Mamet
Tarantularcticta
A team of scientists stranded in Antarctica realize they aren’t alone — there’s a giant ‘ice spider’ stalking them!
Writer: James Wan
“Top 10 Roland Emmerich Projects Currently in Development”
10. Sunquake
9. When God Attacks
8. Untitled 4D Movie
7. Collapse of the Fucking Milky Way
6. Trailer Moments 6
5. Alanis Morissette Biopic
4. Cold War 2
3. First Born, Last Dead
2. Hyper-Nuclear
1. Earthsplosion
So I got in touch with Mr. Roaster himself, lobbed him some questions about the website, Hollywood, and life in general — and the result? More funny stuff:
* What was the inspiration for The Hollywood Roaster?
Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to make movies. Not full-time, of course, as that would be too easy. No, my plan was to lurk in the shadowy fringes of Hollywood until I became so jaded I had to start a blog with the sole intent of mocking people more talented than me.
I also make fun of Roland Emmerich.
In terms of direct inspiration, it would be lame if I didn’t mention publications like The Lampoon and The Onion, which serve as obvious (and more sophisticated) models for a site like mine.
* The other trades — Hollywood Reporter and Daily Variety — are well-known for dishing out snark pretty regularly. Why is Hollywood Roaster snark 30% snarkier than their snark?
Well, I like to think there’s a difference between snark and satire. The problem with snark is that it’s usually just a “clever” way of putting someone down — as opposed to insulting people for a reason. At least that’s what helps me sleep at night. To answer your question, I’m not sure why The Roaster is 30% snarkier than those other rags. It’s probably because I answer to no man, just like my boy Ari Emanuel.
* Nikki Finke just sold her website Deadline Hollywood for a zillion dollars. If you sell Hollywood Roaster for a zillion dollars, which will you do first: Buy a stupidly overpriced sports car, buy a stupidly overpriced house in the Hollywood hills, or blow all your dough trying in vain to procure a date with Scarlett Johansson?
Scarlett and I broke up for a reason, okay? Without getting too personal about it, yes, her husky voice simply wasn’t working for me. And since I already have a totally dope Honda CR-V, I guess I’d have to purchase the stupidly overpriced house in the Hollywood hills. Or maybe Van Nuys. I hear it’s nice there.
* What’s more pathetic: A screenwriter wannabe or a dead cat?
It depends. How much time does the dead cat spend on writing-related message boards?
* Rumor has it that in between posting scathing satire about Hollywood, you write for a living. Therefore you appear to be the perfect person to answer this question which has always nagged me: What’s more important — vowels or consonants?
I’m an amazing Wheel of Fortune player, but I still don’t feel qualified to answer this question. Let’s say vowels are more important if you live west of the Balkans, but if you hail from, say, a country where Vlakstrekstm is the third most popular last name, then sure, consonants rule the day.
In all seriousness, I do write on the side. Advertising copywriter. Author. Screenwriter. That kind of stuff. The important thing is to stay busy and keep writing, and eventually I’ll either be able to quit my non-screenwriting jobs…or die.
* What is the dumbest trend in the movie business right now: Endless sequels, remaking 80s movies, or the studios’ obsession with pre-branded products making it a very real threat that we might soon see “Hula Hoop: The Movie?”
Personally, I liked The Hudsucker Proxy, but I also think it would be interesting to see the hula hoop handled by someone more competent than the Coen Brothers. Hacks.
I kid you.
The dumbest trend, in my humble opinion, is Dane Cook.
* Movie producers: Wouldn’t know a good story if it hit them in the face or lying bastards?
I didn’t realize those traits were mutually exclusive.
* Rumor also has it that you’re a Chicago Cubs fan. So what’s more likely: The Cubs winning a World Series or Michael Bay directing a BBC adaptation of Thomas Hardy’s “Jude the Obscure”?
The sad part is that I’ve never even heard of Jude The Obscure, and I still know that project is more likely to come together than a sustained postseason run by the Cubs.
* CAA, ICM, WME, UTA: Which of those agencies would you prefer to be dropped by?
You forgot Gersh!
Ever since they did away with “The” and “Agency” I’ve been unable to take my eyes off them.
Of the group you listed, I’d most like to be dropped by UTA or WME, as that means I would have been represented by either of them in the first place. CAA is cute and all, but something tells me they’re not into my work. It could be the slew of emails I’ve received from their legal department.
As for ICM, well, I wouldn’t kick them out of bed, but I used all my jokes on the other agencies.
* Please provide six words of advice to professional script readers — and none of those words can be the word “quit.”
Hope you like stories that suck.
* Finally, if a screenwriter gets stranded on a desert island with a screenwriting guru, which one should they be stranded with: Robert McKee, John Truby, or that overbearing chatty salesman with the mustard stain on his shirt who works at The Writers Store?
McKee. One of his 14 ads in this month’s Creative Screenwriting Magazine promises he can build a boat out of a good plot and a single seashell.
William Goldman famously said about Hollywood, “Nobody knows anything.”
How can you expect to create anything resembling a sane life in a place like that?
So you need to laugh. Some times, that’s all you can do.
Thank God for websites like The Hollywood Roaster to bring some humor and light into our lives.
Thanks, Mr. Roaster!
Keep on snarking!