Daily Dialogue — January 10, 2016
DUCHESS: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! (Asks Buckley to intercede.)
BUCKLEY: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please, silence!
DUCHESS: Gentlemen, you made me drop a stitch.
BENTER: Your pardon, Your Grace. Has the Prime Minister never thought of sending a protest to the United States about this California fellow and his imitation wine?
RUPERT: My dear chap, I have sent not one protest, but three. Mind you, the situation is complicated by the fact that we have never officially recognized the United States, so we’ve had to send all our protests through Monte Carlo. The sad truth is that each of these protests have been ignored, until today when I received this.
DUCHESS: What is it, Bobo?
RUPERT: A pamphlet from their Department of Agriculture on how to grow grapes for wine.
BENTER: But if that goes on we’ll be bankrupt!
RUPERT: My friend, we are bankrupt. As of today we are living on petty cash.
DUCHESS: Good heavens. If only poor Leopold were alive today.
RUPERT: Your Grace. Gentlemen. Our situation is, indeed, desperate. We stand poised on the brink of disaster. There is only one way out: war. We must declare war on the United States.
BENTER: But we can never win such a war!
RUPERT: Of course not, but we could win the peace. I’ve given this a lot of thought, gentlemen, and I’m perfectly positive I am right. You must remember, the Americans are a very strange people. Whereas other countries rarely forgive anything, the Americans forgive everything. There isn’t a more profitable undertaking for any country than to declare war on the United States and to be defeated.
DUCHESS: True. True.
RUPERT: No sooner is the aggressor defeated than the Americans pour in food, machinery, clothing, technical aid and lots and lots of money for the relief of its former enemies. In other words, gentlemen, in effect, we declare war on Monday, we are defeated on Tuesday, and by Friday we will be rehabilitated beyond our wildest dreams.
DUCHESS: Yes, but is that honest, Bobo?
RUPERT: No, not really, but it’s terribly practical. And infallible, too. I give you my word, Your Grace, it will solve all our problems.
BENTER: But we have no army.
RUPERT: Oh, pish-posh. Who needs an army? Twenty men or so would be quite sufficient.
BENTER: Oh, and who’s going to lead ’em?
RUPERT: Tully Bascombe, of course. He’s our hereditary Field Marshall and Grand Constable.
DUCHESS: Tully? No, not Tully. He’s…well, he’s a very nice boy, but he’s never been any good at games.
BENTER: Exactly. You can’t send Tully on a mission like this. He’s got fallen arches, flat feet, sinus, migraine, claustrophobia, and high blood pressure. Apart from being near-sighted and getting dizzy in high places. Heh heh.
RUPERT: We are not asking him to climb the Alps, you know. All Tully has to do is to get the men over there. Once they try to land in New York without visas they will be arrested. And, uh, that’s all there is to it, really.
DUCHESS: I don’t want anyone hurt.
RUPERT: Of course not, Your Grace. I’ll tell Tully to be very careful. Besides, we can send Will Buckley with him. Buckley was a sergeant in the British army in the other war. He can act as interpreter. Well, gentlemen, there’s only one way. We have but one choice. Bankruptcy or prosperity. Which will it be? I move we declare war on the United States of America.
BENTER: As leader of the Party of the Common Man I say that war is reprehensible, barbaric, unforgivable and unthinkable. And I second the motion.
— The Mouse That Roared (1959), screenplay by Roger MacDougall and Stanley Mann, based on a novel by Leonard Wibberley
The Daily Dialogue theme for the week: Formulating a Plan, suggested by Lior Shemesh. Today’s suggestion by Will King.
Trivia: This scene features three actors before they became world famous for other roles.
Peter Sellers: here performing multiple roles, would, in four years, create his most memorable role as Inspector Clouseau in The Pink Panther.
William Hartnell, here as Will Buckley, would, also four years later, create the role of Doctor Who and begin the longest-running science fiction franchise in the world.
Leo McKern, here as Benter, would in eight years be the only actor to play the role of Number Two twice in the cult classic TV series The Prisoner, and then in 1978 play the title role of John Mortimer’s beloved barrister Horace Rumpole in the BBC TV series Rumpole of the Bailey.
Dialogue On Dialogue: Commentary by Will: “Formulating a plan in satire. A small European country is about to go bankrupt. How can they escape their fate? Why, go to war against the United States and suffer the resulting (positive) economic consequences. Rupert presents his proposal and the Duchess and Benter are the counterpoint characters to knock away a few questions the audience might raise to such a ridiculous premise, thus clearing away some roadblocks to disbelief suspension.”