Daily Dialogue — January 11, 2016

DRUNK: Hey, where you going, Big Nose?
CD: (Pauses, turns) Pardon me?
DRUNK: You heard me…Big Nose.
CD: That it?
DRUNK: Yeah.
CD: Well, you really got me on that one, didn’t ya? (Starts to walk away) Oh, wait a second. What a waste of an opportunity.
DRUNK: What?
CD: Well, I mean, you’ve got someone standing in front of you with, uh, this, and all you can think up is “Big Nose”.
DRUNK: I suppose you can think of something better?
CD: Yeah, I think I can think of something better. Come here.

They move to the dartboard.

CD: This dart. Whatever number you hit, that’s how many I’ll think up.

The man throws the dart and hits the number 20.

CD: Twenty? Sheez! (To the crowd) Two out of three. Two out of three.

CD Retrieves the dart and gives it to the man, who throws another hit on 20.

CD: Twenty.
DRUNK: Darts champion, Denver, 1987.
DIXIE: C’mon, Charlie, you can do it.

Crowd begins to get into the competition.

CD: All right, twenty something betters. Uh, here goes. We’ll start with…obvious. Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
Meteorological: everybody take cover, she’s going to blow!
Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like Wyoming.
Personal: Well, here we are, just the three of us.
Cultural: all right, gentleman, your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late.
Envious: Oooh — I wish I were you. Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear!
Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn’t mind putting that thing away.
Philosophical: you know, it’s not the size of a nose that’s important, it’s what’s in it that matters.
Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it’s goodbye, Seattle.
Commercial: Hi, I’m Earl Scheib and I can paint that nose for thirty nine, ninety five!
Polite: Uh, would you mind not bobbing your head. The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo.
Melodic: everybody: He’s got the whole world in his nose.
Sympathetic: Oh, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on.
Scientific: Say, does that things there influence the tides?
Obscure: Ooh! I’d hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it.
Inquiry: When you stop and smell the flowers, are they afraid?
French: Sir, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave.
Pornographic: Finally, a man to satisfy two women at once!
How many is that?
DEAN: Fourteen, Chief.
CD: All right, All right. Religious: The Lord giveth, and He just kept on giving, didn’t he?
CROWD: Fifteen!
CD: Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair?
CROWD: Sixteen.
CD: Uh, Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine!
CROWD: Seventeen.
CD: Aromatic: it must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee…in Brazil.
CROWD: Eighteen.
CD: Appreciative: Ooh, how original. Most people just have their teeth capped.
CROWD: Nineteen.
CD: All right, uh…
CROWD: C’mon, CD, you can do it!
CD: All right, Dirty: your name wouldn’t be Dick, would it?

Crowd applauds.

DRUNK: You smart-assed son of a bitch.
CD: You flat-faced, flat-nosed flathead. (Walks away)

DRUNK: Hey!

He goes to punch CD but CD blocks his hits and pounds him in the face over his shoulder.

CD: Ow. (Walks over to the table where Dixie and Roxanne are seated.) Has he fallen yet?

The drunk falls to the floor.

— Roxanne (1987), screenplay by Steve Martin, based on the play by Edmond Rostand

The Daily Dialogue theme for the week: Surprise.

Trivia: Bales is challenged to tell 20 nose jokes. After he tells 18 or 19, he asks “How many’s that?” to which he is told, “Fourteen!” He goes on to tell another six, making 24 or 25 in total. (One was deleted in the TV version, resulting in the different totals.)

Dialogue On Dialogue: Commentary by Will: “There are several layers of surprises in this exchange. At first, the drunk thinks he’s on top by name-calling CD, but is surprised when CD not only refuses to take the bait to start a fight, but instead challenges him to a verbal battle. CD, thinking he’s on top, is surprised by the number the man hits with the dart, only to discover he’s a darts champion. CD then goes through the entire litany of insults, winning the crowd’s favor and discrediting his opponent. At the end, the man tries to go through with what he wanted in the first place, only to be surprised to find that CD is not only more capable verbally, but physically as well.

In this scene we get a story within a story, or, perhaps, one stand up routine within another. The scene gives Steve Martin a chance to do what he does best: stand-up comedy. The in-movie audience is entertained, but so is the movie-watching audience.”