Daily Dialogue — March 17, 2016
INT. CARL’S JR — BATHROOM — MORNING
Inside the bathroom, Brad Hamilton applies the Carl’s scrub brush to a felt tip graffiti message near the mirror: I EAT BIG HAIRY PUSSY. He pauses and catches himself in the mirror. He adjusts his hair.
BRAD:(talking to mirror) Lisa, I have something to tell you. Look, I’m a senior now. I’m a single, successful guy… And I’ve got to be fair to myself. Lisa… I think I need my freedom.
Brad pauses, looks at the mirror soulfully.
BRAD (CONT’D): Aww, don’t do that… Please, please don’t do that–
The bathroom door opens — it’s Arnold, the boy who Brad got a job.
ARNOLD: Brad! Can you cover me on register two?
BRAD: Okay.
Brad nods, exits:
INT. CARL’S JR — COUNTER — MORNING
Brad stands at the register, polishing the counter. We see a prominent display over Brad’s head: TRY OUR 100% GUARANTEED BREAKFAST.
A Businessman in the place rises and returns to the counter.
BRAD: (nervously) May I help you?
The Businessman has short, curly brown hair. He speaks in a whine.
BUSINESSMAN: Uh, yes. This is not the best breakfast I ever ate, and I’d like my money back.
The Businessman points to the huge display over Brad’s head: TRY OUR 100% GUARANTEED BREAKFAST.
BRAD: Ah, okay… Ah, I believe you have to fill out a form for that.
BUSINESSMAN: Ah, no. I’d like my money back now.
BRAD: I’m sorry. It doesn’t work that way. You see, I have to fill out a form and… Well, you ate most of it already, so…
BUSINESSMAN: You see that sign? It says ‘100% Guaranteed.’ Do you know what the meaning of “guarantee” is? Do they teach you that here?
BRAD: (panicking) Sir, if you just wait a minute…
Brad begins looking to the restroom. “Where’s Arnold?”
BUSINESSMAN: (as if talking to a kindergartner) Look, just put your little hand back in the cash register and give me my two dollars and seventy-five cents back. Please, Brad.
BRAD: Sir, if you just give me a minute. I’ll find the forms. I’ll take care of everything.
BUSINESSMAN: I don’t have a minute. You’ve made me late enough.
Brad looks up from under the counter.
BUSINESSMAN: I am so tired of dealing with incompetence. It says ‘100% Guaranteed’ you moron!
BRAD: Mister, if you don’t shut up, I’m gonna kick one-hundred percent of your ass!
Dennis comes hurtling out of the back from the Assistant Manager’s office.
DENNIS: Uh, is there a problem here? Can I help you, sir?
BUSINESSMAN: You bet you have a problem. Your employee here used profanity and threatened me with violence. I’m surprised. I eat here all the time and usually have good service until today. All I wanted was my money back on this breakfast. It was a little undercooked, and he threatens me with violence. Now I’m gonna call you’re supervisor–
DENNIS: Ah, I can take care of it.
Dennis turns to Brad.
DENNIS: Mr. Hamilton, did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way?
BRAD: Uh, well… He insulted me first. He called me a moron, Dennis.
DENNIS: Answer me. Did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way?
BRAD: Yes.
DENNIS: You’re fired!
Dennis looks back at the Businessman.
DENNIS: I’m very sorry sir. I’ll refund your money right now. Hope you won’t hold this against us. You know how these young kids are these days… Here we are, perhaps another breakfast?
Brad is stunned. Then Brad unhooks his fryer’s apron and throws it on the floor. On the way out, he bangs the bathroom door with his fist.
DENNIS: I hope you had a hell of a piss, Arnold!
— Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982), screenplay by Cameron Crowe based on his book
The Daily Dialogue theme for the week: Customer Service, suggested by David Proenza. Today’s suggestion by Gregory Netterville.
Trivia: David Lynch was originally offered the chance to direct before Amy Heckerling was chosen. He turned it down saying it was a funny script, but not really his thing.
Dialogue On Dialogue: Commentary by Gregory: “I feel like this has happened to me way too many times… I have the absolute best intentions of helping a customer (I would never use profanity though) and it backfires.”