Daily Dialogue — May 7, 2013

EXTERIOR — CASTLE — DAY

MIX THROUGH one or two shots of them on their way again, until they approach a terrific castle (a little one would do too). They advance quite close to the castle and draw themselves into a line. At a signal from ARTHUR the two PAGES step forward and give a brief fanfare.

A MAN appears on the battlements. ARTHUR addresses him.

ARTHUR: Hello.
MAN: ‘Allo. Whoo is eet?
ARTHUR: I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
MAN: This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR: Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
MAN: Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen. He’s already got one, you see?
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they’ve already got one!

They are stunned.

ARTHUR: Are you sure he’s got one?
MAN: Oh yes. It’s very nice.

CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.

MAN: I told him we already got one.

They all giggle.

ARTHUR: Well … can we come up and have a look?
MAN: Of course not! You are English pigs.
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
MAN: I’m French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
MAN: Mind your own business.
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.

Murmurs of assent.

MAN: You don’t frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English K…kaniggets.

He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.

GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
MAN: I don’t want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

— Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), written by Graham Chapman & John Cleese & Eric Idle & Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones & Michael Palin

The Daily Dialogue theme for the week is Profanity free insults, suggested by Mark Walker. Today’s suggestion by Daniel Cossu.

Trivia: Some major scenes scripted, but never filmed:

• additional “Knights who say Ni!” scene, they intend to call themselves “the Knights of Nicky-Nicky”
• additional police detective scenes
• several scenes where Arthur and the knights meet “King Brian, the Wild”.
• After the Bridgekeeper, they come upon the Boatkeeper. “He who would cross the Sea of Fate Must answer me these questions twenty-eight!”
• Arthur and his knights end up finding the Holy Grail at Harrods’ department store

Dialogue On Dialogue: In my humble opinion, no one delivers insults as well as John Cleese. And here an added bonus: He does it with a bad French accent.